My head, neck, etc. are hurting with the foreboding ache-like pain. I went to the Dr. last week and they tried to give me an antidepressant. (dr.: Oh - you've tried preventives and don't want to take any more. OK - are you depressed? me: No. dr.: OK. how about this antidepressant? me: not arguing, leaving office too tired to argue and not wanting to go into it, seemingly helpless...)

What is with THEM?! Why is is so hard to find an acceptable doctor? It is boring a hole in my head, but this can't be...I just had a headache last Wednesday.
I made it to work, but was too tired to eat or shower. (I know - more than you wanted to know!)

I tried to be mindful as I drove to work and it lasted - for about two minutes. Then I thought myself all the way down the highway before I even realized it.
I notice the for rent sign by the post office is gone. Looks like somebody needed that place. Funny how that works. Everything working together. A guy has his hands full and I hold the door without thinking. He is thankful.

Now I wonder, do I push through the day? Will my pain get worse? Do I care? Will I have to go home and accept the defeat of pain? (And all the judgments from people at work, etc. that might come along with that.) Can I just forget about it? Why does it matter?

Thanks to ~C4Chaos' Blog, I got a heads up about the new KW site.

Check it out. It looks like there are some totally rad things going on.

So I went to find some reading material and ended up reading this blog by the editor Clint. Scroll down and listen to the call with Ken, because it has some good stuff.

What I got out of it:

I've got some narcissism - like most of us. I could use some shadow work. I particularly liked Ken's words about the first reaction when discovering a shadow, particularly a big one: "Hot Damn! A uranium mine..."

It is energy. Have fun with it. Here's to surfing the wave of consciousness together!

Thanks to ~C4Chaos's Blog today!

1) 10 years ago what did you think you would be doing now?
I figured I might be dead or teaching high school. (Hey, so what - I was 14!)

2) Where do you think you will be in 5 years from now?
5 years! What about 5 minutes? The world may not even exist as we know it in 5 years.
 
3) Do you live life one day at a time or look to the future?
Try one moment at a time. I only look to the future if I am caught up in thought streams or am forced to by the practicalities of planning the life sutation.

4) Do you wish you could go back in time and undo something in your life?
No.

5) If you could send a message back in time and give a younger version of yourself some advice, what would it be?
Don't stress out over the drama so much - it's just not worth it. It's not even real. Welcome it.

This morning I had a timely message about the shadow pod in my zaadz inbox. Gee, that's funny. Since I mentioned the shadow Monday here after listening to a clip on the KW site. And then this morning something was rearing its head all the way into work.....to the point where I was crying in the car for a few seconds....and not out of bliss. There was this song on Kexp by Lou Barlow, Legendary...and it kept saying heal - takes time. And I was feeling, no it doesn't...it can't. Why? That's a lie. Why does it seem like it takes time? How much time does it take? I can heal spontaneously right? Well maybe not. I mean, it's not like my true nature needs to be healed...it's the mind. And it took time (?) for it to get this way so it only makes sense that it would take time for it to get undone.

The point is, something is out of control in me. Control. Like it could be in-control. Who would be in control? or what?

Let me start over: I have been feeling emotionally wacky for the last few days. I felt a little tense, but slightly better than usual when I woke up. Then the sense of dread and feeling of un-motivation set in. I checked my bank account, got ready to go to work, and drank coffee. (Note to self - don't check bank account in the morning! lol) The tension crept in more, and I felt stressed and unsettled. I haven't felt like doing anything lately. It's weird because I feel like I need to connect, and I want to be positive and have a lighthearted approach to life, but I've been feeling so heavy. I don't feel like going to work, but I feel that I have to, which makes me feel resentful and even more upset. Ahhh - the viscous cycles we run. That coupled with the pressure to be living the best years of my life combines for a bad feeling. I got the job I wanted, I love a good guy who loves me, we don't have a lot of money, but our bills are paid, I could have worse health problems, etc.....so from the superficial perspective that most people live through, I should be elated. Well I'm not. Things are heavy and tense. It's not fun. Why do I care about all these self/culture imposed expectations? Humph...

I thought: what does it mean to fully appreciate being human in this situation - this mood? I know it's not me, but I'm experiencing it. I decided to be mindful of the breath as I drove to work. That would be my only chance for feeling grounded. The inner monologue didn't want to shut up. A couple of thought streams wanted to be heard. Hilariously enough, I thought about how I could write about it. Then I thought: Doh!...back to the breath. Then I thought about how I would write about thinking about writing about this instead of paying attention to the breath. (Then I wondered, Am I crazy!?!)

I focused on my breath which deepened, and my face warmed. I felt that I had to pay attention to the breath, or I would be exhausted from this inner chattering....I was already exhausted! I noticed the resistance to driving and to the moment. To the emotions.

I need to go back and re-read Monday's blog! I may have to bring this up in the healing the shadow pod!

My affinity for hip hop is unexplainable even to me.
Check it out: Deltron 3030

So I was going to share some so-called insights that came up earlier...but then I felt like I was kidding myself. Instead, here is a link to a conversation wih David Bohm and some others where they mention this question:

"D.B.: So why is there this perceived separation if there isn't?"
Now this interests me , and I have a feeling it will interest some other people too. Pay attention to what comes up physiologically, etc., as you read this. Or anything for that matter.

The conversation is really long, so I don't expect everyone to read it, but maybe someone will and maybe we'll go into it. We'll see!

It's hard to balance this feeling I'm getting that less is more when it comes to words that should be shared .....and blogging...which requires words.

(Note: there are many articles, interviews, and books about Bohm. The one I linked to above on the theosophy-nw site is interesting and provoking. I hope to blog about this more...)

I have been listening a lot of Alan Watts after stumbling across some tapes in the library. This guy is speaking my language! He was funny and brilliant. They seem to go hand in hand. I know a lot of us struggle with how we can really help this world and what, if anything, can really be done.  His words resonate with me....

"Archimedes said, 'Give me a fulcrum and I will move the Earth'; but there isn't one. It is like betting on the future of the human race - I might wish to lay a bet that the human race would destroy itself by the year 2,000, but there is nowhere to place the bet. On the contrary, I am involved in the world and must try to see that it does not blow itself to pieces. I once had a terrible argument with Margaret Mead. She was holding forth one evening on the absolute horror of the atomic bomb, and how everybody should spring into action and abolish it, but she was getting so furious about it that I said to her: 'You scare me because I think you are the kind of person who will push the button in order to get rid of the other people who were going to push it first'. So she told me that I had no love for my future generations, that I had no responsibility for my children, and that I was a phony swami who believed in retreating from facts. But I maintained my position. As Robert Oppenheimer said a short while before he died, 'It is perfectly obvious that the whole world is going to hell. The only possible chance that it might not is that we do not attempt to prevent it from doing so.' You see, many of the troubles going on in the world right now are being supervised by people with very good intentions whose attempts are to keep things in order, to clean things up, to forbid this, and to prevent that. The more we try to put everything to rights, the more we make fantastic messes. Maybe that is the way it has got to be. Maybe I should not say anything at all about the folly of trying to put things to right but simply, on the principle of Blake, let the fool persist in his folly so that he will become wise."

Taken from http://www.fortunecity.com/meltingpot/belgium/1029/helping.html#

What you are looking for is what is looking.
- St. Francis of Assisi

Feel it. What is looking?