Dying is good

When many people think of death, they feel sad or depressed. They think of a body dying and not being able to experience their loved ones in the same way, or at all, depending on the perspective. The physical death of the body and what that means is a whole other topic, however!

The death of the self (not Self) or individual ego and the many experiences and memories is what I am talking about. Acknowledging and releasing. Bear with me while I illustrate with a story: Like yesterday, I tried to sit down and do the taxes, which is not too horrible for me usually. My boyfriend and I experienced a few moments of frustration. I attempted to feel with my body what was going on. I had to leave the room to do this. And I asked some questions of myself. Who is feeling frustrated? Who is feeling isolated? Who am I beyond this? It was a little tricky because the mind tries to take over, and that is not what I'm interested in. I was trying to not get caught up in the many stories the mind spins about the situation and go back to the simplicity of the moment.

So today I got up, forgetting about yesterday, not taking it to be "who kari is"  and had a beautiful drive to a school presentation. (A large part of my job is coordinating the educational program for our orchestra. This includes four diferent ensembles going to schools and doing presentations about their instruments and music. It is pretty hectic with over forty schools.) I was loving the sun and the weather and my coffee and as I got to the school I realized that I had been to this school before. This could only mean one thing: the directions were WRONG! (Which meant that the musicians had also gone to the wrong place. That didn't cross my mind until a few moments later luckily. I am responsible for getting the musicians the directions, and I had copied and pasted from last year. Doh! I had been double checking and triple checking everything, but this must have slipped through.) I pulled over and called the office, and my coworker told me the musicians had already called and were on the way to the right school which was six miles away. To make a long story less long, I made it and three of them were there, waiting on the other two members of the quintet. They started about seven minutes late and did an excellent job. I wondered if they would yell or cuss or tell me I'm stupid. I tried not to think about that.

After the presentation I apologized and told them I'd double check everything for sure (for their upcoming shows), and that they should be commended because they adapted very well. They were very cool about the situation and understand that I have been on the job for 4 months (which isn't an excuse, but hey, if people will cut me slack, I'll take it).
So, the panicking that I thought about doing (which proabably would've included either a) going home and crawling under a blanket or b) finding alcohol to consume at 10 in the morning, was for nothing. It was a lesson learned. The kids loved it, the brass players weren't mad, and everything is fine. In fact, no one but them, my coworker and I would have known if I hadn't mentioned it here. Doh! again. Just kidding. I bet less that 20 people will even read this! :-)

Anyway, the whole time this was happening, I was thinking about bringing presence into the moment, which happened to be during my work day. Did it work? I guess so. I mean, I didn't get caught up in thought. I drove around in a very unfamiliar place and (with the help of my coworker - thanks Erin!) found where I was supposed to be. I had a lovely drive along Lake Washington before I found I was in the "wrong" place. I didn't get a migraine. I did mentally panic a little, but only momentarily and I stayed grounded. What is the lesson? I have no idea. 

Oh yeah, dying...well, if I don't continually get caught up in and identify with the life situation, in the events going on, and take that to be "who I am," then it is like a psychological death. Which is LIBERATING! Each day is full of more possibilities when I look at life that way. Not to have to carry around, accumulate all the reactions and mental conversations that go on. Do I still bring psychological pain on myself at times...yeah. Are there moments in my life that make absolutely no sense?...yeah. Do I strive to approach each being and moment free of a conditioned perspective, free of a story of "me" and "my past" with a lighthearted curiosity?....duh.

"Death is a stripping away of all that is not you. The secret of life is to 'die before you die'-and find that there is no death." Eckhart Tolle